Lessons

I know we all have our points of insecurities. We generally view that as a negative thing but I am of the mind that some level of insecurity or self-doubt is healthy for the human soul because it prevents us from getting to comfortable and produces some level of humility. While I am a pretty confident and secure individual, there are some things that prey on insecurity. I am beginning to find out what some of those things are these days. 

My friend preached a sermon at his church recently and he historically does a good job. He is a gifted communicator, dynamic, engaging and personable and he has been preaching and teaching in churches for a decade or so now. I was stunned when my friend told me about someone who approached him after the service was over and said that they had a word from the Lord for him that might make him defensive. That individual proceeded to, in a moment and in the name of Jesus, rebuke the preacher for his message. I won't go in to details. Rather, it has inspired me to reflect on the two greatest truths I have learned in this, my first year of vocational ministry.

Over the last few weeks I have become increasingly aware of my own limitations. I know now, more than I ever have, that I am ill-equipped to be a youth pastor. The more I study and prepare and read and teach and interact and counsel and pray and meet, the more I am certain that I am not suited for this job at all. The other side of this is that nobody else is either. But on this point, a few scriptures have informed my sense of insecurity. 

2 Timothy 2:15 says "Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a workman who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth." 

Isaiah 66:2 says "This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word."

1 Timothy 4:16 says "Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers."

These are just a couple of verses that shed light on the enormity of the responsibility that preachers and teachers bear before the Lord. Though I have been a pastor's kid since I was 4, and though I went to a bible school, indeed, though I know the Word, I must admit that there is a great chance that I have mishandled the word at some point. What's worse is that I am reasonably certain that I will again. At the end of the day, there is just so much that I don't know. 

I was arrogant enough a year ago, even two years ago, to think that I was qualified to be a pastor. Now? Not so much. My former pastor used to talk about the responsibility of a pastor to give an account for the spiritual condition of those under his leadership... I am beginning to get some idea of what he was talking about. 

I am restless much of the time these days, overwhelmed by all that I have to learn, and frustrated with the reality that there is no way to learn it quickly. I am staring down the barrel of a 50 year journey, at the end of which, if I have done my best, I will still fall short of these job requirements. When you frame it this way, it is not surprising that I am becoming wildly insecure in my own ability.

There is no question, I am utterly unqualified to be a pastor of real life, actual people. But something in me suggests that it's what I was made to be. I don't know if all pastor's step back at some point and think "how on earth did I get this job?", but it is a question that resides on the tip of my tongue at almost any moment. My friend's discouraging encounter left me wondering how I might respond in such a situation... after quite a lot of time thinking on it, I still have no clue. I struggled just to get past the notion that someone might actually approach me that way immediately following a message. 

It evoked this profound anxiety in my soul rooted in a very real concern that I may be found out. I mean, what if I get up one too many times to speak, to teach other people the truth of God's word, and some error in my communication shines a bright light that illuminates the billboard above my head that declares me to be a total fraud.

But the Spirit of God comes in, and whispers words of assurance, affirmation and comfort. And through the Spirit I have learned this: It's okay to be frantically insecure in my capacity so long as I am firmly secure in my calling. I tell you, dependency on God feeds on the trough of self doubt.

My friend's painful experience of someone speaking a harsh word in the name of Jesus, reawakened me to the nakedness of doing something you love. It's safe to do something you aren't totally passionate about. It's safe to stay in a relationship with someone you aren't completely in love with. It's safe to never pursue your dreams. What's scary is when you pursue that career you dream about, or when you express your feelings for the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. And people in ministry? Well, they are mostly in it because they love it. 

There were times I wished I would get fired from my old job. Now, if I lost my job, my heart would break. I think something in my friend broke the other day. He loves people... not the way we mean when just say we love people. He actually does... I know this because he is extraordinarily generous, caring, respectful, honoring and affirming... and he is that way with everybody, not just the ones that are easy to love. See, anytime you preach, you expose yourself in some personal way. My friend prepared for hours, prayed diligently, spoke on a subject that he is passionate about, and shared a few personal stories to illustrate what God put on his heart. He poured his heart and soul into the sermon. His message was a gift from God, through my friend, to the people in the congregation. And while it wasn't his gift, he was the messenger, and somebody essentially threw it back at him and said it was no good.

It wasn't just simple rejection that hurt. I think it hurt him because he gave himself fully to something he loves and then experienced the rejection. He has been a pastor for much longer than me and he loves it the way I do. He loves it, he has worked hard at it, and truthfully, he does it with excellence. Sometimes, that's just not enough for people.

But the other thing I have learned throughout this year, and I have been reminded of it in recent days, that allowing yourself to love anything is always a risk. And sometimes the things worth dreaming about require greater sacrifice, not greater success. To deeply love anything is to leave yourself naked while in plain view of everyone... and you always get burned at some point. In fact, to passionately pursue anything is all but a guarantee of pain. This wasn't my friend's first blow, nor will it be his last. I know that because he bears many scars already, but he keeps going to work, keeps loving the church, keeps loving people. You do that very long and more hits will come. 

There is a verse in Psalms, I think, that says "let him not boast who puts his armor on like him who takes it off." It has been not quite one year for me in vocational ministry, and I feel like I am just getting my armor on. I know enough now to know I need every bit of it, and I love it enough to hope it stays on long enough to take a beating.