Confession

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

In Eastern Orthodoxy, these are words known as the "Jesus Prayer". They have been ringing in my ears over the last 8-10 days for some reason. It is such a simple prayer and not overly profound at first glance, but as someone who is only recently finding real depth and beauty in liturgy and orthodox practices, I felt led to meditate on this prayer. 

In vocational ministry it is easy to get focused on other people and their issues, their pain, their struggles, their sin, their questions, their needs. While that is a necessary occupational hazard, it is indeed a hazard. It becomes very comfortable to be the guy looking into the microscope rather than be the one under the microscope. 

Bed time at my house is a bit of a circus... three sons, a 7-year-old, and twins that are 3 often take on the characteristics of monkeys, acrobats and flaming hoops. There seems to be an ongoing challenge of conjuring up reasons to get out of bed and avoid going to sleep. At the end of a long day, this routine has a tendency to bring out the best in me because I am exceedingly patient all the time... alright that might be a slight misrepresentation. Suffice it to say, this has, on occasion, brought out something less than the best in me. 

Well, the other night, our oldest son, Dylan, after we said prayers and goodnights, got out of bed to use the bathroom. This is always the first idea they resort to, and it is always a candidate for being repeated multiple times before they fall asleep. Then he got out of bed for something else while we were praying with the younger kids. I was growing frustrated and I instructed him to get back in his bed. While I am not certain I have to believe that I did this with great calmness and patience, the way any dad who is on the verge of a nervous breakdown would. As mom went to the kitchen to get a drink for the twins, Dylan emerged from his own room with a cup full of water. 

I walked passed his room as he was leaving it, angry and frustrated, slapped the cup from his hand (sending water all of the floor and walls) and yelled at Dylan to get back in bed. Dylan, Josiah and Ephraim all stayed in bed that night, nobody getting up to pee or anything. I didn't hear a peep. IT WORKED...

...or did it? "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner." The words haunted me all night, as I laid in bed, again as I woke in the morning and a lot through the next day... and the next... and the next. 

It's a lot easier to focus on the fractured parts of other people's lives than it is to acknowledge that there are destructive, broken things in me, things that i don't like about myself, and things which negatively impact other people. It's easy to gloss over a simple prayer and not really own it... but the last words have stayed with me, a sinner. 

I was alone in the car with Dylan last night and I asked him if he had thought about that moment since it happened and how he felt. He said he had and that he felt scared and small. I asked him how he handled it, what he did with those emotions. He said he just talked to God and asked him to take away my anger. I told him that was a good thing to pray and he should keep doing that. I told him how when he tells on me like that, that I get in trouble with God just like he gets in trouble with me when he yells at or hits his brothers. He liked the idea that God didn't let me off the hook. I asked him if he told anybody when things like that happen and he shook his head. I told him it was okay if he did cause people knowing that I have issues too was maybe part of my punishment and that was one way God would help take away my anger. I asked him to forgive me and he said he already had. Then he hugged my arm from the passenger seat laid his head on me... 

A sinner... it's not so flattering, but it is a pretty good description of me. Thankfully, my Lord Jesus Christ has had mercy on me and so it doesn't define me... and while Dylan may have felt small in that moment, I think knowing his heavenly Father handled his earthly father puffed him back up a bit.