In my brief history as a blogger, my experience is that my children serve as the consistent catalyst for material. After this week, I have more inspiration to draw from...
Daniel Mullins entered the world on Friday, April 17th at 12:17 a.m. He weighed in at a healthy 8 Ibs. 11 ounces, measuring 19.5 inches long. His Apgar score was 10-10... Unless you are a mom you have no clue what that means. Essentially, it indicates that our newborn son is... well... perfect. That may seem like boasting and just typical proud parent syndrome, but Dr. Street, who has delivered thousands of babies even said "I have never seen a baby score 10-10." Jesus said that we are to be perfect, therefore, as he is perfect. Daniel took him quite literally.
After watching Betsy go through labor and childbirth with no pain medicine, no epidural and maintaining her sweet nature, I am convinced that she could be a pretty successful ultimate fighter. I will be more agreeable with my wife in the coming weeks.
I left Betsy and Daniel yesterday afternoon for about two hours. We have a car seat at home recycled from the other kids. Between her toughness and his perfection they seemed deserving of a brand new car seat and stroller combo. Betsy is usually cautious about spending money on things we don't "need" but even she had to acknowledge this was a well deserved purchase.
So, I get in the car and I leave my new son for the first time his extraordinary mom. It was my first opportunity to come up for air since the adrenaline of the night before. The sun was shining accompanied by a light breeze and cool temperatures embodying the best of what Atlanta weather has to offer. With windows down and sun roof opened up, a wave of emotion hit me. I left my iPod in the room, which I usually play through the car stereo, and switched to c.d. mode. The wave of emotions that was already imposing on the shores of my heart turned to a flood as I heard the words of the first song...
He is jealous for me.
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
bending beneath the wind and the waves of his mercy
When all of sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
and I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me...
Oh, How he loves us
Oh, How he loves us
Oh, How he loves us
As the tears streamed down my face it was impossible not to feel the truth of that declaration. Oh, how he loves me. Being charged with stewarding the soul of a child from birth is perhaps the clearest expression of said love that God could offer. And for the fourth time now, he has showed his love to me by entrusting me with the care of his child.
For many of us it is difficult to understand the nature of God's love. We hear that He loves us because he is good, not because we are good. We hear that He can't us more and He won't loves us less. We are told that his love his perfect and that our actions can't change that reality. We love others only when they earn our love or prove somehow worthy of our love. Our love grows for people when they are good to us and diminishes when they are not. Our love is earned and his is given. Our love has strings attached and his love severs all would-be strings and dangles freely, irrevocably. The nature of His love for us is directly counter to virtually every human form of love... with the exception of a parents love for their child.
At this point, my love for Betsy has evolved into a love that won't let go, but I never would have married her or pursued her if my interest and affection was not reciprocated. But loving your children is totally different. It's the closest point of reference for understanding and receiving God's love for you.
Daniel has just become a part of our family. He has not honored me. He has not respected me. He has not loved me. He has screamed at me and he has ignored me it would seem. He has preferred his mom over me (understandably, but still). There is essentially nothing that Daniel has done to earn my love. But I can't help it. I just love him. I love him simply because he is. I love because I took part in creating him (I know it's God's work but he allows us to create with him). I am not going to love him less in a few years when he starts talking back. I am not going to love him less when he blames the hard things in his life on me. Similarly, I will not love him more when he is smiling. I will not love him more when he gets good grades. I will just love him because he is mine and because my fingerprint will always be on him. Something about Daniel will always point back to me. No matter what happens, he will have originated from me (in a sense)... and I love him simply because I am full of love for him. I don't even really choose to love him. I can't help but love him.
That's the best I can get my head around God's love for me. Not that he doesn't choose to love me. But it's bigger than that like Jesus' dear friend John said: his existence and essence is love. That's who he is. He doesn't love me so that I will love him back or because I love him back. He doesn't love me to get anything from me or to feel better about himself. He simply loves me. He loves as a good father does. He fathers me well by loving me well. And eventually, rebellion, folly, pride and my own way give way to humility, obedience, wisdom and loving him back.
But whether I am compliant or defiant, he just loves me... until I love him back. I suspect that Daniel will be that way. I suspect that as he experiences my love for him, which is very different from Jesus' love in that it is absolutely flawed, he will at some point just start to love me back. He will have moments of disrespect, fits of rage and rebellion but through imperfect but rightly centered fathering, he will receive discipline and training and affirmation and attention... all of which are the biproduct of love. And he will learn to love me and honor me the way God, through his infinite patience has loved me until I have learned to love and honor him.
I am overwhelmed that Jesus came in tiny, vulnerable form like Daniel here by my side. I am overwhelmed by Jesus' love for me, which is all I can see when I look at this little fella. I am hopeful that Daniel will grow over these coming months and years to know the love of Jesus. I am hopeful that Jesus will love him well until Daniel loves him back. I am also hopeful that Daniel will see and experience Jesus' love through his mommy and daddy the way we see and experience that love through him.
May you, like me today, experience the hurricane-esque love of Jesus that leaves you as a tree, bending beneath the wind and the waves of his mercy. And may he overwhelm you.
P.S. I would encourage you to watch a video of the song I alluded to by clicking here:
James, I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I was strolling by your facebook profile and thought I would check out your blog as well. I love this post. Beautifully written and an amazing analogy. One of the absolute greatest parts about becoming a parent is being able to better understand God's unconditional love for us. I love the song you are talking about as well. I hope it's okay I am passing along your blog to some others so they can share this as well! Looks like you are doing great!
ReplyDeleteBecki (Vogel) Huml