Governor

I don't play a lot of golf because it's expensive and time consuming, but if I had lots of money and time I would probably spend both on golf. Having typed those word, it occurs to me that this is why God didn't make me independently wealthy. There are two things that drive me crazy on the rare occasions when I do golf though. In no particular order, they are: 1) I am terrible, and 2) The golf carts are too slow.

It takes around 27 hours to complete 1 round of golf in my experience. I know my experience is slightly skewed by the 20-plus hours of hacking at tall weeds, briar bushes, misplaced overgrowth that my ball so often finds via the natural slice, but still... golfing makes for a long outing. As bad as I am on hole 1-12, those final six holes or so always bring out the worst in me. I stop taking practice swings, I get cranky, sometimes hungry, and I totally lose focus. I think if the golf carts didn't have the governor on them, that device that restricts the speed to that of a three legged dog, the reduction in travel time would probably facilitate a dramatic improvement in my game. 

I played basketball for many years, a game in which speed and quickness are huge assets. Golf? Not so much. It's hard for me to stay on the course that long. Not physically, but I start to do other things while I'm out there... just in my head. 

Golf requires great patience... it also requires great focus and concentration. I sort of perpetually run on short supply of both. Sometimes, I think my family feels like a golf course that I am playing. They are right there, they are beautiful and i am so excited to be there with them when I arrive, but then after a couple of hours I start to check out. I don't mean to and I don't really want to... it just happens, and I don't make the intentional, conscious choice to remain fully present.

I wonder if maybe the governor is there for more... maybe it has a bigger purpose than to spoil the fun of the golf cart. I wonder if the governor is there symbolically, as a subtle reminder as you move from stroke to stroke, one side of of the fairway to the other, to relax, take it easy, slow down, and stay in the moment... stay focused.

My tendency is to come home and greet my wife, greet each child, give them a few minutes of my undivided attention and once any of them move on to something else for just an instant, then my attention is divided going forward. I am excited to be there, I enjoy the hugs, the brief wrestling (with my sons, not my wife), a puzzle or playing catch... but once that initial "fun" wears off, then I just want the golf cart to go faster so I can move on to the next thing. 

There are all these things going on and all these people to interact with. There are all these responsibilities, tasks and things clamoring for my attention... or maybe just distracting me from where my attention should be focused. The first Christmas was the birth of something new... Immanuel... God with us. From what I can tell, there are a few things demanding a bit of attention from this God character, so the fact that he entered into humanity and became present with us is quite impressive. The fact that get to experience him and interact with him, the reality that I have his attention and that he would be dialed into me, my heart and my situations... well, I am just guessing he has the mental fortitude to be a pretty good golfer. 

Before you think you can explain this away with the whole omnipresence thing, I would just say this... my struggle isn't to be present at everything or with everyone... it's that I can't seem to manage being present to any one thing. Even right now, I want to go home and be with my family... the challenge I face in a couple of hours is that when i am with them will I remain there. 

If it wasn't for the Spirit of God, the governor in the golf cart of life, I would just zip through from thing to the next all the while never fully enjoying the now. I have recently been meditating on the intent God had for man to reflect him to creation. The incarnation of Jesus, the original reason for Christmas, celebrates this reality that God entered into the moment with us. Through Jesus he manifested his presence on earth. Through his ascension and subsequent sending of the Spirit, he offers himself to be in the moment with me. 

Immanuel...

God with us...

 

Maybe tonight, and through a continual, concentrated effort I might somehow have the grace to just be "dad with us" to my kids and "husband with me" to my wife. Then again, if I can't pull that off, at least I have that built in governor... I guess I'll be forced to slow down at some point.

  

Confession

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

In Eastern Orthodoxy, these are words known as the "Jesus Prayer". They have been ringing in my ears over the last 8-10 days for some reason. It is such a simple prayer and not overly profound at first glance, but as someone who is only recently finding real depth and beauty in liturgy and orthodox practices, I felt led to meditate on this prayer. 

In vocational ministry it is easy to get focused on other people and their issues, their pain, their struggles, their sin, their questions, their needs. While that is a necessary occupational hazard, it is indeed a hazard. It becomes very comfortable to be the guy looking into the microscope rather than be the one under the microscope. 

Bed time at my house is a bit of a circus... three sons, a 7-year-old, and twins that are 3 often take on the characteristics of monkeys, acrobats and flaming hoops. There seems to be an ongoing challenge of conjuring up reasons to get out of bed and avoid going to sleep. At the end of a long day, this routine has a tendency to bring out the best in me because I am exceedingly patient all the time... alright that might be a slight misrepresentation. Suffice it to say, this has, on occasion, brought out something less than the best in me. 

Well, the other night, our oldest son, Dylan, after we said prayers and goodnights, got out of bed to use the bathroom. This is always the first idea they resort to, and it is always a candidate for being repeated multiple times before they fall asleep. Then he got out of bed for something else while we were praying with the younger kids. I was growing frustrated and I instructed him to get back in his bed. While I am not certain I have to believe that I did this with great calmness and patience, the way any dad who is on the verge of a nervous breakdown would. As mom went to the kitchen to get a drink for the twins, Dylan emerged from his own room with a cup full of water. 

I walked passed his room as he was leaving it, angry and frustrated, slapped the cup from his hand (sending water all of the floor and walls) and yelled at Dylan to get back in bed. Dylan, Josiah and Ephraim all stayed in bed that night, nobody getting up to pee or anything. I didn't hear a peep. IT WORKED...

...or did it? "Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner." The words haunted me all night, as I laid in bed, again as I woke in the morning and a lot through the next day... and the next... and the next. 

It's a lot easier to focus on the fractured parts of other people's lives than it is to acknowledge that there are destructive, broken things in me, things that i don't like about myself, and things which negatively impact other people. It's easy to gloss over a simple prayer and not really own it... but the last words have stayed with me, a sinner. 

I was alone in the car with Dylan last night and I asked him if he had thought about that moment since it happened and how he felt. He said he had and that he felt scared and small. I asked him how he handled it, what he did with those emotions. He said he just talked to God and asked him to take away my anger. I told him that was a good thing to pray and he should keep doing that. I told him how when he tells on me like that, that I get in trouble with God just like he gets in trouble with me when he yells at or hits his brothers. He liked the idea that God didn't let me off the hook. I asked him if he told anybody when things like that happen and he shook his head. I told him it was okay if he did cause people knowing that I have issues too was maybe part of my punishment and that was one way God would help take away my anger. I asked him to forgive me and he said he already had. Then he hugged my arm from the passenger seat laid his head on me... 

A sinner... it's not so flattering, but it is a pretty good description of me. Thankfully, my Lord Jesus Christ has had mercy on me and so it doesn't define me... and while Dylan may have felt small in that moment, I think knowing his heavenly Father handled his earthly father puffed him back up a bit.  

Beginning

Well, this is my first go around with blogging... in keeping with my own personal history, I am running a few years behind trendy, fashionable things. I have been hearing about blogging for a number of years, so naturally, about the time something else is probably about to emerge as the new hip forum for communication, I will conform to this now antiquated cultural enterprise. So, while I am a little late in the game, I am knowingly late in the game, and I trust that will count for something and earn me some sort of a pass. I am completely unsure of how to proceed, so I will start with recent events as a primer.

This last weekend included a significant day for me... Graduation! I now have a Master's Degree in the area of Conflict Management. What? Conflict Management? That's right... they have degrees for that. If you're not sure what that is, just think of it as an appropriate education to pursue for anyone who has three sons and one on the way... it's a lot like getting a degree in life actually, and you could to if you are just willing to take on a significant amount of debt. Any way, it would seem logical to make my first blog about that, because I am pretty sure both things, blogging and earning a master's degree, would individually validate me as a person and make me awesome. So, the fact that I am doing both at the same time should tell you that I am a pretty big deal.

But seriously, I was struck this morning at the thought of beginnings. Here I am completing a challenging and rewarding season, finishing something I set out to do that didn't come cheap or easy... graduating. We think of graduating as an ending in itself, but really, it is a beginning. And if you think I am hijacking some profound commencement address that was given, let me dispel that faulty notion right now with a side note: someone at Kennesaw State University knows more about the history of that town and college than any man ever should... and now I know more than I ever wanted as well. 

At any rate, it occurs to me that I am always trying to finish things, never thinking too much about how every time I do, I begin something else. I have been meditating all weekend on an idea that Paul confidently conveys to his Phillipian brotha's, when he writes, "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." 

I guess, when tempted to rest a bit in an accomplishment, or relish in a certain level of achievement, or to be under any impression that I have arrived at my ultimate destination, there is this haunting and beautiful reminder that my destination is not an accomplishment or even a place... rather, my destination is the person of Christ Jesus. Until he arrives again, therefore, I have not, nor has anyone else arrived. 

Until that day, every ending is really a new beginning, and I am a work in process. When I "succeed" or "graduate", He is beginning something new and I have yet more to learn, and still more expected of me. When I fail or fall short, I just get up, dust myself off and get after it again, assured that things are not over. 

Today, while I am done with school (for now), it is now time to translate the things I have learned through academic theory, research and social science into improving the world in which I live. In fact, according to John 15:22 this ending is the beginning of more accountability to God for what I do with what I have learned. Jesus says in that passage that "If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not have been guilty of sin. Now, however, they have no excuse for their sin." Truth is no small thing... Jesus indicates that once we know something, we are accountable for living in light of it, period. 

So this is the beginning, for me, of parlaying biblical ideas, a secular education, and a small mountain of debt into improved relationships and kingdom advancement... until I arrive... or until Christ Jesus arrives... whichever comes first I suppose.